hold out your hand to me (and save me, save me)
by darkrunner
Summary: Kara calls her. "Lena, are you-okay?" There's a pause on the other side of the phone. Kara tells herself over and over not to use her super hearing to investigate the sounds of medical machinery beeping vaguely in the background. "Of course," Lena says with a laugh. / or, the saddest concept I could think of


_Th-thump._

Supergirl stands at the force field, arms crossed. Reign-Sam-lays on the cot, bored. As she always does. Kara stares for any change, listens for anything unusual. In her field of vision, there's a worldkiller, unmoved on a hospital bed. In the range of hearing, the hum of a force field. Hiss of a soldering iron in Lena's hands.

_Th-thump._

The heartbeat that she's tuned her ears to hear, even when she's shutting everything else out. Reign stretches her arms above her head, and Supergirl can hear the muscles moving, the joints and the blood vessels, all over the steady, familiar rhythm of the human heartbeat.

Until.

_Thud._

Lena coughs.

Supergirl feels her mask of calm crack. The worldkiller on the cot raises herself to take it in. Their eyes meet for a moment. Reign's mouth curls and the knowing look in her eyes shoots through the Kryptonian like lighting. Kara just gapes at her. She knows she looks a fool, but now she's listening to Lena's breathing, the inflation and deflation of her lungs, the blood pumping in her veins-and Reign _laughs. _One, cold, bark of laughter.

"Stop antagonizing the murderous alien, please," Lena drawls from where she's bent over the workbench. After a moment, Lena realizes Supergirl's staring. She lifts her head, raises an eyebrow and asks, "What? I said please."

Kara composes herself. She shuts her gaping mouth and she shuts out the sound of Lena's breathing and tells herself it's not what she thinks.

* * *

It's hard to surprise a Kryptonian with super-hearing, but James goes to great lengths to keep her distracted for as long as possible.

Lena is the first thing she sees when she comes out of the elevator, and even if she knows the party is coming, the feeling that she's lost her footing is completely real and reads as surprise to everyone in the room.

James has really outdone himself. There's a banner with _Good luck, Kara!, _a stack of pizza boxes, an entire sheet cake-she lowers her glasses a moment and scans through the crowd to spot a tray of potstickers on a burner. She adjusts the frames back into place and smiles back at the cheering faces around her. James raises a glass, and makes a speech. They toast to her, they cheer. Kara accepts congratulations from what feels like the entire building as the afternoon goes on. She restrains herself to only one of the pizzas, stealthily eaten around different groups of people.

It's 5 o'clock and most of the office is dispersing or going back to their departments. Kara is wearing down and she slips into James' office for a moment alone.

She's barely off her feet when that weary heartbeat crosses the floor. Kara knows she's headed this way, and has half a mind to fly out the window by how much that scares her.

The door pushes open, and Lean beams at her, arms open. Kara returns the smile, blooming under the warmth of Lena's presence. They meet and Kara lets herself hug just a little bit tighter than usual.

When they pull back Lena keeps their hands twined together. "I'm going to miss you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Her head ducks and her lips turn up in a sad smile. Kara wishes she could say she would be back, or she'd stay in touch. But they'll probably never see each other again, and oh wow, that is not something Kara's given enough thought to. The Kryptonian is familiar with loss and leaving, but it doesn't get easier for her with practice.

"I-" Lena starts in such a quiet voice. Kara hardly catches it. There's weight in the silence, but eventually Lena shakes her head. "I'm going to miss you," she repeats, looking defeated. Kara can't find words to comfort either of them, so she just pulls her into her arms and they stand together.

* * *

Maybe if she'd listened when Lena handed over the Harun-el, she would have heard the signs that Lena was lying. But with the fresh wounds between them just starting to heal, Kara didn't want to invade Lena's privacy, for both their sakes. She smiles at Lena and ignores the nagging voice in the back of her head.

* * *

Kara comes back, after it's all over, and she's been gone long enough to justify the article cover story. She walks into the big office with a new planner in her hand and a smile on her lips, that falls when James shakes his head.

Lena's not at CatCo.

* * *

Lena asks Kara to brunch in her penthouse. She apologizes for not wanting to go out, but Kara just pulls her up and into a warm hug. Lena lets herself fall into it, and Kara says it's just her imagination that Lena is squeezing tighter than usual.

* * *

Soon, CatCo isn't the only one with a vacant CEO. Sam's running L-Corp out of Metropolis. Kara catches her in Lena's white office picking up some sensitive materials. They hug, they catch up, but Sam is eager to be out of the city that haunts her dreams and reluctant to share any of Lena's personal information.

* * *

Kara calls her. "Lena, are you-okay?"

There's a pause on the other side of the phone. Kara tells herself over and over not to use her super hearing to investigate the sounds of medical machinery beeping vaguely in the background.

"Of course," she says with a laugh. "I know I've been distant."

"You've been-disappeared, is what you've been," Kara tries to laugh back at her, but it falls short. "I know I run off sometimes too, but this is a lot."

"I know," Lena repeats.

_You can tell me anything _Kara wants to say. _I know there's something you're not telling me. _but that's not fair, is it? Not when the House of El crest is emblazoned under her shirt. She settles on "I'm here if you need anything."

* * *

Supergirl's just finished her monthly through Luthor Children's hospital, when sharp heels and a quiet heartbeat round a corner, and there's Lena. She's weary-lines around her eyes, but there's a fire in them, fierce and angry and aimed straight at the Girl of Steel.

"How _dare _you."

Supergirl feels her heart crack clean in two at Lena's bitter voice. She takes a steadying breath, and she turns, helpless and remorseful. "Lena?"

There are tears in Lena's eyes and a wheeze in her breath that Kara tries not to hear. "You told Kara."

"I don't know what-" she feebly protests. Lena presses in close, but the edge in her voice is desperate where she's usually so composed.

"I know you can hear. You can see through me. You told her-"

The hero knows something bad is coming-if Lena is so mad-but nothing could prepare Kara for this, for her second home crumbling apart too.

"-that I'm _dying."_

The news settles over them in the stillness. Both green and blue eyes fill with tears. Lena bites her lip, like the words escaped unbidden. From frustrated expression, it looks like she wishes she could take them back.

"I didn't," Kara whispers.

"But you knew?" Lena presses.

Supergirl shakes her head. "I thought-something was wrong, but not-that you-" Her breath comes ragged, and Kara realizes she's going to cry if she doesn't get out.

"Don't," Lena orders. "Not you."

"I'm sorry-I-I just-" She shuts her eyes, takes a long slow breath. Thinks, _I will always protect you. _Opens her eyes to meet Lena's.

"You don't get to care about me-after you-" Lena gestures between them. Kara feels anger snake through the sadness and the fear. She recognizes it from all those times she yelled at Lena, and she wishes that could be true. She wishes she could just _not care. _

"I can't help that."

_"_Try harder."

"That's not how this works." Hands curl into fists.

"Yes, it is," Lena states like it's obvious. Like Kara's a child who doesn't understand. Like she knows what's best for her. "You broke our trust. We're not friends. You need to get over it."

The anger burns white-hot. Steel creeps into her voice and Kara bites out, "I have lost everyone I've ever cared about. I will continue to lose them, as they grow old and die without me. I'm-cursed on this planet."

Lena's face wrinkles in confusion. Her voice is heartbreakingly genuine. "Why am I so important to you?" Kara gapes at her.

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that you're important to me?"

Kara sees Lena wrestling with her words. Sees the emotions flash through, before the usual composed mask covers it all.

"How about because you-" Lena's breath catches and she manages to gasp, "_ -betrayed- _" before she breaks off coughing. Supergirl is at her side in the blink of an eye, in the span of one stuttering heartbeat. Before Kara can offer support, comfort, something, those green eyes flash at her in warning.

"Get out," Lena sputters. Kara stands staring a moment, willing something to change Lena's mind. It's in vain. The CEO straightens, clears her throat, and strides away down the hallway. Supergirl listens to the staccato _clack _of her heels fade away, the sound of another world shattering.

* * *

Lena's since been moved to the Luthor estate. Kara flies by when she can.

She's so focused on finding the right heartbeat today that she nearly misses the house when she finally catches it, uneven and faint.

The realization of what that means hits her so hard she drops out of the sky onto the lawn beneath. Alarms ring out through the walls of the house, but Kara strides up to the cloaked building despite their warning.

A door opens at the sight of the penitent hero. Her hands are folded, her head bowed. The alarms stop.

The body in the doorway shakes a head. "Not even you, Supergirl."

"I want to tell her who I am."

"You want to bribe a dying woman with your secret identity?"

The words wound her deeper than any kryptonite. "I didn't- that's not-" Kara stutters, contrite. Her face burns red, ashamed at her lack of acceptance, at her lack of awareness. She realizes, with a stab of remorse, no matter how much it hurts, it doesn't matter what she wants or what she thought or how she meant it. Lena said _no. _

Kara clamps her mouth shut over the meager excuses and apologies. She closes her eyes a moment, prays to Rao for strength. "You're right. I-" She can't figure what to say now- thank you? My condolences? Good luck? "I should go."

"Kara," Jess replies, with something like awareness. Supergirl freezes. They stare, neither letting any expression change. The silence drags on, both neutral and unyielding. Kara refuses to acknowledge, but neither does she retreat.

Finally, the door opens wider. Jess steps into the house and beckons with a shake of the head that the hero should follow. Supergirl pauses at the threshold.

"Are you sure?" she whispers. Jess pauses, but her head nods once.

* * *

Supergirl enters the room. Lena doesn't acknowledge her, just stares straight ahead at the blank wall. Kara shuffles close enough to make herself known, but doesn't know what to say at the sight of Lena's gaunt face. The Luthor breaks the silence in a low, measured voice.

"I dream about you. I dream that we're getting lunch. I dream we're shouting at each other after Reign's destroyed the world."

She pauses. Kara counts the seconds in Lena's labored breaths. "I dream that you're going to tell me who you are."

Kara bows her head. "I would tell you if you asked me now."

"Because I'm dying."

"Because I trust you-" And she's torn, what words does she use around Lena, what is fair to her in this position, but the truth slips from her mouth before she can stop it, "Because I love you."

Lena covers her eyes with her forearm. "Stop," she hisses, as the tears start to fall.

Kara's being torn in two. Every time she's parted from Lena, it's agony to think of her suffering alone, but when they end up together and she tries to make amends, somehow everything gets so much worse.

"I'm sorry." Kara whispers as gentle as she can. Lena shakes her head.

"You've no idea how you hurt me. You've no idea how-_broken_-I was. I am. Reign, trying to murder me at every turn, the world, gunning for another Luthor, and one of the few people I could count on abandoned me. Every time I look at you, all I see is you telling me I'm just another _Luthor." _

"Lena." Kara's voice is so tender. "Do you know what I see when I look at you?"

Lena drops her arm to meet the ocean of Kara's eyes. She sees the hurt, etched into every line on Supergirl's face. The care and concern in the thin line of her mouth, drawn in a crooked grimace. Her eyes, warm and light and focused like Lena's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

"No," Lena whispers. "You say you trust me-but-"

The sentence hangs in the air, unfinished. Kara waits as the silence drags on. Finally, Lena turns her head away, murmurs, "You should go."

"But, what?"

"It doesn't matter. Just go."

"Lena," Kara pleads. "Please."

"Why was I never good enough for you?" she shouts, or as close to a shout as she can manage. Kara stands dumbstruck, and Lena rages on. "You-you _hypocrite! _You tell me you trust me, you beg for my forgiveness, you tell me you _love _me-but none of that is enough. I'm not enough."

And Kara feels the crushing weight of Lena's despair dragging her down into the hole they'd created. The hole she'd dug herself, with every passing day, with every text and phone call, with every reassurance. The hole that already threatened to swallow them both, and that Kara was about to plunge even deeper into.

"I was afraid," Kara gasps. She crosses the room and takes Lena's hand. "Lena, you are so good. You are good. You are too good for me."

"Get off," Lena says in a strangled voice, tears running freely. She yanks her hand away, and Kara jumps back, startled at the vehement response. The Kryptonian raises both palms in a gesture of acquiescence, and slowly steps backwards.

"I don't understand." Lena's eyes search the hero for an answer. "I want to believe you, but the last time I did-" Lena shuts her mouth and exhales a sharp breath.

"I know I let you down."

Lena's laugh is mirthless. "To put it mildly."

Kara closes her eyes. "Do you want to know the truth?"

"Fine," Lena eventually sighs, exhausted. "Get on with it. Then, please, just let me die in peace."

Supergirl nods, and then in a blur, she's gone. Lena stares, blinks once, twice-

Kara Danvers steps into the room. Hair pulled into a hasty pontytail, glasses slightly askew, cardigan and button-down that's buttoned one button too low to cover the deep blue concealed underneath.

"It's not the same," Kara whispers. Lena stares at her in something like horror. "It's not at all the same-I've lied to you for so long about something that's hurt you so much. I said I trusted you, but I didn't act like it. It was selfish, and wrong, and you were right to act the way you did to Supergirl. But-" Kara draws a shaky breath, and before her voice breaks, just barely manages to say, "Why didn't you tell me about _this?"_ She gestures helplessly to the room and the bed and _Lena. _

"I-" Lena stammers. "Kara, I…" But words fail her as Kara falls into the chair at the side of the bed and _cries. _Kara takes her hand again, and this time Lena doesn't flinch.

"I'm so sorry for lying, Lena. You're the only person in my life who didn't need to know about my past or my powers-I could just be _human _with you. I love you, Lena. I love you so much."

"Kara," Lena pleads, taking the Kryptonian's hand in both of her own.

"I didn't tell you because you weren't good enough, Lena, you're the best person I've ever known, and I'm so sorry I made you feel anything less than that."

"That's why..." Lena trails off, as the pieces click into place. "Supergirl, _you_ cared..." The anger and frustration melt away from her expression, but something else aching and painful settles in their place.

"I'm sorry," Kara repeats, but Lena keeps staring, unable to form words. They sit a moment, hands together, in the tense quiet of the room. Kara fidgets in the silence and finally bursts out, "Do you want me to leave?"

Lena shakes her head and opens her mouth, but shuts her trembling lips without speaking.

"Maybe-maybe I don't deserve this answer," Kara starts, hesitant. "But if you didn't know who I was, why didn't you tell me - tell _Kara Danvers _\- about this?"

Kara tries to quell the shaking sobs that want to break out. Her emotions have flooded out with her identity, and she's no will to reign them back in. Lena looks at Kara's grief-stricken face so mournfully, and she draws a shaky breath.

"I didn't know what it would do to us," Lena's voice cracks like a dry twig. "You'd… you'd want to comfort me, and you'd shove all of your hurt down. Or-or you'd be distant, you'd run away like when-after the Daxamites-" Lena sniffles, pushes on. "I thought, if I kept everything the same-you'd still-I don't know. Be here. Be the same Kara you always were."

"I still can be."

Lena shakes her head. "How?"

"Because I am. Because it's always been me." But Lena's staring off into the distance, her head still faintly shaking _no. _Kara gently presses on the hand in hers. "I know I lied, but not about us. Not about you. The only difference is-I was Supergirl too. But Kara Danvers is me. Everything I ever said, I ever did, every game night and dinner and brunch-those were real. Those were the real, true me." Lena's stopped shaking her head, but her eyes are still downcast, and her brow wrinkled in confusion. Kara asks in a shaky voice, "Do you believe me?"

Lena finally sets her gaze on Kara, searches her face to see if it really is the whole truth this time. "I want to."

"I'm so sorry, Lena," Kara repeats desperately. Lena nods.

"I know." She meets Kara's tear-filled eyes with her own. "I am too."

"I'm here now, if you want me."

Lena's eyes are red-rimmed, the green dull and almost gray. She sinks into the pillow underneath her, exhausted from the exchange. The heart monitor beeps a steady rhythm, like a timer, counting down the beats left to its owner. The Luthor takes a breath and laces her fingers with Kara's.

"I'm so scared," she whispers. "Stay with me?"

Kara rises from the chair and sits gingerly on the edge of the mattress. She pauses to make sure Lena's okay, and then winds an arm around Lena's shoulders, presses their heads together, tangles their fingers, and murmurs, "I'm not going anywhere."

A sob finally breaks from Lena, and Kara rocks them gently as they cry together. With all their secrets laid bare, there's nothing else to distract from the terror of the situation, from Lena's imminent mortality or Kara's violent grief. But Lena's sobs eventually quiet, and Kara's tears eventually dry, and they fall asleep, utterly drained from their emotions. The future is unwelcome and unfair and infuriating - but, the smallest, tiniest weight lifts from their burdens, and, for now at least, they can face it together.


End file.
